Win Should Have Waited Longer to Reply...

I very recently committed myself to helping someone out with a particular need. While the "need" seemed legitimate at the time that person asked for the help, I subsequently discovered upon further conversation that it's not really a legitimate need at all, but rather a "want" fueled by what I see as that person's childish lack of personal responsibility. Although I didn't say anything at the time, now that I've had some time to think it over, I realize that I don't really want to help that person out any more, considering the irresponsible reasons for his request. It's too late in the night to call back and attempt to release myself from this commitment, explaining my reasons and allowing him to respond. So should I just text him and tell him that I'd rather not enable his foolishness? (well, I wouldn't actually text that phrase exactly, but something explaining my reasons in so many words...) Or do I need to honor my commitment regardless, even though I now feel as I was steered into making the commitment before having time to think about the justification for that person's request?

That person did say he would call later to confirm whether or not the need still exists. Please work in his mind and heart to show him the folly and selfishness of his request before then, and please guide him to do the right thing, that which is most pleasing to You. Please help me to do the right thing, too.

Win Will Be Unrepentantly Serious on This Blog

So it occurred to me last night that I should not be worried about anyone reading this blog and believing something about me that I would have rather kept wrapped up. When I consider what Randy taught this past Sunday -- that prayer is the avenue through which I wrestle with and eventually surrender to You in the areas of my life where I struggle -- I remember that it was for that very purpose that I started this journal to begin with. That being the case, it doesn't matter what people think about me if they read any of this -- the goal was to write a continuing open letter to You where I would be honest with You about my fears, frustrations, and shortcomings, as well as my hopes, my victories in Christ, and the times when my faith in You does not fail. While that could all be accomplished simply with a written journal, we started this so that I would have somewhere to write while I was on break at work, and so anyone chancing across this page and possibly struggling with my same struggles can perhaps encounter You even in some small way. I let my pride shift the focus of this journal off of You, and for that I am sorry.

Still, I know You don't intend for all of my inner thoughts to be solemn all of the time, or even serious whether times be good or bad -- this is simply the wrong avenue for my frivolous musings.

To anyone who might still be reading then, be aware that this page will include some very frank conversations with the God whom I serve -- the God of the Bible who is One with Christ Jesus.

For the frivolous stuff, just go to the other page... http://starkravingblog.blogspot.com/

Win is Still Awake

Goodness sakes I'm restless... I stayed up late to finish some stuff for work, but it's now 3am, and I haven't done any work for a couple hours now. I'm usually only like this when something's wrong emotionally, but I don't really know what it is... And I'm not particularly looking forward to finding out. ...especially since I have to be at a meeting in less than 6 hours and I haven't slept yet. Yek.

Win is Slightly Embarrassed...

So it occurs to me, now that this page is linked to our wedding page, that I should post some ...um... happier musings here. Wouldn't want everyone to think M was getting herself hitched to some sourpuss...

Really, I am more interesting than this collection of rants suggests. For proof, you can see my other, now defunct, blog of madness... (http://starkravingblog.blogspot.com/) That was an old social experiment of catastrophic proportions. Or catastrophic failure. Either description works.

There you go. Click at your own risk, for you risk finding out more about me than you ever wanted to know. Consyder ye selves forewarn-ed.

Grumble Grumble...

Gary Thomas writes that we all deserve Hell, so anything that goes right here on earth should be appreciated as a little piece of Heaven. While I agree with this in theory, that we only deserve Hell and anything good should be appreciated, the constant experience of that Hell is not so easy to stomach.

Sure, You say we are to take joy in our trials because they test faith and encourage perseverance, but sometimes it seems like life is little more than the passage of time linking one trial to the next. And you know what? It's not joyful -- it quite frankly sucks. There has not been a moment for nearly 3 weeks when I have not been in some sort of debilitating pain, making it hard to focus, much less function. And I have little hope that, once this episode is over, something else painful (physically, psychologically, or emotionally) will not follow immediately. Sure, I also believe in theory that You are both sovereign and good -- no, I believe this as a fact, not only as theory -- I just don't always believe that you choose to use that sovereignty to do good things for me. Yes, I believe You do so for others, and I feel confident that I can pray for those good things in others' lives, but I often doubt that You will let good things happen for me without countering it by also allowing something bad to happen. Or that something good happening requires that something else that was good gets taken away.

Unfortunately the equation doesn't seem to work the same way inverted -- bad things that happen are not always accompanied by something good, nor do they necessarily mean the removal of something else that was bad. More often than not, it feels like bad things happen, then more bad things happen on top of that -- the proverbial kick when I'm already down -- and more bad things happen when I grumble about it because You say I'm supposed to be thankful about the good things I have and not grumble about the bad/what I don't have. Well, "a life slightly less crappy" isn't the same thing as "a life more abundant" in my estimation, and I really don't think that's what You meant when you said it either. Or at least I can hope that's not what You meant, especially when it already constantly feels like my good decisions bring little to no reward and my bad decisions bring instant conviction and sentencing.

So there. You want me to be honest with You, and I am doing so. I'm sure I'm going to get punished for it one way or the other, so I don't even care any more.

And while I'm in this state of mind, let me just add that even though You say that You will test me but never tempt me, often times there's little difference between the two.