Grumble Grumble...

Gary Thomas writes that we all deserve Hell, so anything that goes right here on earth should be appreciated as a little piece of Heaven. While I agree with this in theory, that we only deserve Hell and anything good should be appreciated, the constant experience of that Hell is not so easy to stomach.

Sure, You say we are to take joy in our trials because they test faith and encourage perseverance, but sometimes it seems like life is little more than the passage of time linking one trial to the next. And you know what? It's not joyful -- it quite frankly sucks. There has not been a moment for nearly 3 weeks when I have not been in some sort of debilitating pain, making it hard to focus, much less function. And I have little hope that, once this episode is over, something else painful (physically, psychologically, or emotionally) will not follow immediately. Sure, I also believe in theory that You are both sovereign and good -- no, I believe this as a fact, not only as theory -- I just don't always believe that you choose to use that sovereignty to do good things for me. Yes, I believe You do so for others, and I feel confident that I can pray for those good things in others' lives, but I often doubt that You will let good things happen for me without countering it by also allowing something bad to happen. Or that something good happening requires that something else that was good gets taken away.

Unfortunately the equation doesn't seem to work the same way inverted -- bad things that happen are not always accompanied by something good, nor do they necessarily mean the removal of something else that was bad. More often than not, it feels like bad things happen, then more bad things happen on top of that -- the proverbial kick when I'm already down -- and more bad things happen when I grumble about it because You say I'm supposed to be thankful about the good things I have and not grumble about the bad/what I don't have. Well, "a life slightly less crappy" isn't the same thing as "a life more abundant" in my estimation, and I really don't think that's what You meant when you said it either. Or at least I can hope that's not what You meant, especially when it already constantly feels like my good decisions bring little to no reward and my bad decisions bring instant conviction and sentencing.

So there. You want me to be honest with You, and I am doing so. I'm sure I'm going to get punished for it one way or the other, so I don't even care any more.

And while I'm in this state of mind, let me just add that even though You say that You will test me but never tempt me, often times there's little difference between the two.