Apathy

Apparently, as long as you do what others expect of you (or at least look like you do...), however minimally, nobody bothers to ask how you're really doing. So nobody I labor with at work, at church or otherwise realizes that I really just don't care about what I'm doing any more. As the great philosopher Peter Gibbons once said, "That will only make someone work just hard enough to not get fired."

Thank you more further fueling my cynicism...

Win Should Have Waited Longer to Reply...

I very recently committed myself to helping someone out with a particular need. While the "need" seemed legitimate at the time that person asked for the help, I subsequently discovered upon further conversation that it's not really a legitimate need at all, but rather a "want" fueled by what I see as that person's childish lack of personal responsibility. Although I didn't say anything at the time, now that I've had some time to think it over, I realize that I don't really want to help that person out any more, considering the irresponsible reasons for his request. It's too late in the night to call back and attempt to release myself from this commitment, explaining my reasons and allowing him to respond. So should I just text him and tell him that I'd rather not enable his foolishness? (well, I wouldn't actually text that phrase exactly, but something explaining my reasons in so many words...) Or do I need to honor my commitment regardless, even though I now feel as I was steered into making the commitment before having time to think about the justification for that person's request?

That person did say he would call later to confirm whether or not the need still exists. Please work in his mind and heart to show him the folly and selfishness of his request before then, and please guide him to do the right thing, that which is most pleasing to You. Please help me to do the right thing, too.

Win Will Be Unrepentantly Serious on This Blog

So it occurred to me last night that I should not be worried about anyone reading this blog and believing something about me that I would have rather kept wrapped up. When I consider what Randy taught this past Sunday -- that prayer is the avenue through which I wrestle with and eventually surrender to You in the areas of my life where I struggle -- I remember that it was for that very purpose that I started this journal to begin with. That being the case, it doesn't matter what people think about me if they read any of this -- the goal was to write a continuing open letter to You where I would be honest with You about my fears, frustrations, and shortcomings, as well as my hopes, my victories in Christ, and the times when my faith in You does not fail. While that could all be accomplished simply with a written journal, we started this so that I would have somewhere to write while I was on break at work, and so anyone chancing across this page and possibly struggling with my same struggles can perhaps encounter You even in some small way. I let my pride shift the focus of this journal off of You, and for that I am sorry.

Still, I know You don't intend for all of my inner thoughts to be solemn all of the time, or even serious whether times be good or bad -- this is simply the wrong avenue for my frivolous musings.

To anyone who might still be reading then, be aware that this page will include some very frank conversations with the God whom I serve -- the God of the Bible who is One with Christ Jesus.

For the frivolous stuff, just go to the other page... http://starkravingblog.blogspot.com/

Win is Still Awake

Goodness sakes I'm restless... I stayed up late to finish some stuff for work, but it's now 3am, and I haven't done any work for a couple hours now. I'm usually only like this when something's wrong emotionally, but I don't really know what it is... And I'm not particularly looking forward to finding out. ...especially since I have to be at a meeting in less than 6 hours and I haven't slept yet. Yek.

Win is Slightly Embarrassed...

So it occurs to me, now that this page is linked to our wedding page, that I should post some ...um... happier musings here. Wouldn't want everyone to think M was getting herself hitched to some sourpuss...

Really, I am more interesting than this collection of rants suggests. For proof, you can see my other, now defunct, blog of madness... (http://starkravingblog.blogspot.com/) That was an old social experiment of catastrophic proportions. Or catastrophic failure. Either description works.

There you go. Click at your own risk, for you risk finding out more about me than you ever wanted to know. Consyder ye selves forewarn-ed.

Grumble Grumble...

Gary Thomas writes that we all deserve Hell, so anything that goes right here on earth should be appreciated as a little piece of Heaven. While I agree with this in theory, that we only deserve Hell and anything good should be appreciated, the constant experience of that Hell is not so easy to stomach.

Sure, You say we are to take joy in our trials because they test faith and encourage perseverance, but sometimes it seems like life is little more than the passage of time linking one trial to the next. And you know what? It's not joyful -- it quite frankly sucks. There has not been a moment for nearly 3 weeks when I have not been in some sort of debilitating pain, making it hard to focus, much less function. And I have little hope that, once this episode is over, something else painful (physically, psychologically, or emotionally) will not follow immediately. Sure, I also believe in theory that You are both sovereign and good -- no, I believe this as a fact, not only as theory -- I just don't always believe that you choose to use that sovereignty to do good things for me. Yes, I believe You do so for others, and I feel confident that I can pray for those good things in others' lives, but I often doubt that You will let good things happen for me without countering it by also allowing something bad to happen. Or that something good happening requires that something else that was good gets taken away.

Unfortunately the equation doesn't seem to work the same way inverted -- bad things that happen are not always accompanied by something good, nor do they necessarily mean the removal of something else that was bad. More often than not, it feels like bad things happen, then more bad things happen on top of that -- the proverbial kick when I'm already down -- and more bad things happen when I grumble about it because You say I'm supposed to be thankful about the good things I have and not grumble about the bad/what I don't have. Well, "a life slightly less crappy" isn't the same thing as "a life more abundant" in my estimation, and I really don't think that's what You meant when you said it either. Or at least I can hope that's not what You meant, especially when it already constantly feels like my good decisions bring little to no reward and my bad decisions bring instant conviction and sentencing.

So there. You want me to be honest with You, and I am doing so. I'm sure I'm going to get punished for it one way or the other, so I don't even care any more.

And while I'm in this state of mind, let me just add that even though You say that You will test me but never tempt me, often times there's little difference between the two.

They Said it Better...

From Lisa Anderson over at the Boundless Line blog (http://www.boundlessline.org/):

"If I lose everything except Jesus, will He still be enough? I hope so. I want to live like that."

I too hope so, and I too want to be able to live like that.

"There, but for the grace of God, go I."
-- John Bradford

Win is Discouraged

A fool ruins his life
Yet his heart rages against the Lord.

I understand that my foolish decisions will yield undesirable outcomes, and I have only myself to blame for this. But what of those times when I am trying my best to do the right thing, to live according to the way You’ve decreed I should, and the outcomes are still less than desirable? When bad decisions beget bad results and good decisions beget only slightly-less-bad results, what is the motivation to even try to do the right thing? You’ve promised a life more abundant; You’ve also promised a life of trouble. I sincerely hope that You don’t mean that You’re promising a life of more abundant trouble. Often times it feels this way.

I accept that there are times I knowingly choose to do wrong, and I accept the punishment that follows so quickly at its heels. But You must also accept that there are times that I knowingly choose to do right because I want to do what pleases You, but those times seem to yield little reward. Instead things seem to continue to fall apart around me.

This is discouraging.

Still Trying

Instead of asking why You are making me go through painful experiences, I need to start asking what You're trying to teach me through those experiences. The same probably applies to situations where I'm just generally confused by what You're doing, by the apparent lack of direction in my life. I still want to ask why I have to go through those frustratingly confusing times, but I know that You don't owe me any answers.

So... what are You trying to teach me right now...?

Maybe I'm just not asking the right questions. You tell me that I do not have because I do not ask -- I assume that You already know what I want, what I need, so I don't need to ask for those things. Yet I suppose there's no point in getting frustrated when things don't work like I want them to when I haven't even asked You to work those things out. Now I realize that asking You doesn't necessarily mean that those things will work out the way I want, but maybe the point of doing so isn't really to ask for whatever that thing is (because I'm probably correct in assuming You already know -- You've already said that Your Spirit knows what I need before I ask for it). After all, You knew the blind man wanted to see (wasn't it pretty obvious?), but You still asked him what he wanted You to do. You also asked another blind man if he believed that You could heal him. Maybe the point in having me ask You for things You already know I need, things You already know to be the deepest desires of my heart, is really You asking me, "Do you believe that I can do this for You? Do you believe it enough to ask me to do it for you? Ask Me, so that I can show you how faithful I am."

Still, asking You doesn't necessarily mean that You will give what I ask for, so that can't be the only reason You want me to ask. Besides, You also said that a small seed of faith is all it takes to move the earth, so it's not even about whether or not I believe in Your goodness enough to ask. Maybe it's just that the simple act of asking puts me in a mindset that recognizes that You will answer in Your wisdom, and that there will be a reason for the way You answer. Perhaps the real reason for asking is to open my heart to what You're trying to teach me in that answer, because You're very likely trying to teach me something regardless of how You answer my requests. Maybe at the very least, when I ask, I am acknowledging Your sovereignty over my desires above all else, and that Your ultimate answer will come out of Your sovereign wisdom and grace.

I suppose I can't know until I ask.

...

Sigh.

Win is Confused

...which happens rather more often than I'd like...

In theory I know that faith involves a certain level of uncertainty. After all, if I am certain of the next steps and the results of those next steps, then I don't really need to have faith because I already know what is going to happen when I take those next steps. But the uncertainty also makes me lose hope. I know that You don't owe me any answers, but sometimes I'd really like to know why You make me do some things and where You're going with those things. It's hard to take the next step when I don't feel like You're ever going to be happy with any step I take, with any decision I make. Hence the uncertainty. If I can at least know that there's a point to all this, maybe it will be easier to endure. But I am uncertain of even that.

Quietness and trust are supposed to be my strength, but I am rather weak.

Win Doesn't Get It

I don't understand what You're doing or why You're doing it or where You're going with it, but I want to be able to follow You despite that.

Please believe me when I say that.

Win Can Be Rather Foolish

A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Proverbs 12:16 NIV

I would do better to remember that.

...particularly when I'm driving...

Win Didn't Have Anything Good to Say

This post has been long in the making. In the past week I’ve started writing several times, stopped writing several times, changed subjects several times, somehow found my way back to the original subject again, tried writing again, and just didn’t feel any coherent thoughts move from my mind to my heart to my keyboard. Maybe You were trying to tell me that my motives for writing that post were wrong. Or maybe You are simply telling me that You’re still formulating that thought inside my mind and waiting for it to reach my heart, and that I shouldn’t be so hasty to write something before You’re finished telling me what it is. Maybe.

Point is, I felt like I should have at least posted something in the last week…

Yet as I now consider that desire to post something, I remember one of the big things that You were teaching me last week: Ephesians 4:29 tells me that I should refrain from unhealthy chatter, instead only speaking when my words are useful to build up and benefit those who hear – and now that I think about it, that was one of the original purposes of having this blog to begin with. Perhaps You stopped me from writing anything earlier because You knew that I had only intended to post unhealthy rants, writings not intended for Your glory, but for my own, because I just wanted to be heard. Well, the truth is, unless I have something beneficial to say, everyone would do better if I was not heard – I tried that kind of writing the last time I started a blog and it became a forum for me to anonymously voice thoughts without accountability (of which not all were bad, but there were a few posts that were bad enough). In fact, that blog was what I was originally going to write about – about why we keep secrets and why we’re unwilling to trust others – and maybe that post is still pending, but I’ll wait for You to move me in that direction.

Several months ago I came to the realization that my words (or lack thereof) had the potential to greatly bless or greatly hurt those around me. I confess that, since then, I’ve used my words more to vent my selfish frustrations to and about You and others, that I’ve had more curses than praises on the tip of my tongue. Please forgive me for mishandling the gift You gave me in order to praise You and to serve the people You’ve gifted my life with. John Piper once wrote that we are justified through faith in You – that is, I am made new and made holy because of Your sacrifice – and You sanctify us to make us into what we already are – that the process of becoming more like You, becoming holy, is simply me being what You already made me. I think I can go as far as to say that You created me, and thus my words, expressly for the purpose of becoming more like You, my words more like Yours.

With that in mind, please let my words be refreshing to those who hear, healthy for those who read. Please make my words kind, compassionate, and forgiving. Please help me to choose words that are humble, that are gentle, that are patient, that are loving – words that praise Your glorious grace and build others up in that same grace.

Win is Still Tired

So... The move went fairly smoothly over the weekend. I think that single people need to move every couple years if for no other reason than to prompt them to get rid of accumulated stuff that they don't need. I used to think I didn't have too much stuff, then I started packing...

Anyways, yesterday morning feels like it was days ago, and as I've felt more tired it's been increasingly difficult to not grow angry and bitter at things that don't go my way. The disappointing performance review at work, slow progress in unpacking, bad traffic, an email that I think I shouldn't have sent -- it can all be very discouraging. You've said that quietness and trust will be my strength, that repentance and rest will be my salvation. Please forgive me for my oppressive anger and bitterness -- please help me to repent of these. Please help me to rest in Your provision, to believe that Your plans are still in place and they are still better than my dreams. Please quiet the thoughts that tell me everything I'm doing will turn out wrong. Please help me to trust You enough to be willing to trust others, to think the best of them and to not let my deceitful suspicions undermine that trust.

Please be my strength ans salvation -- I really need You right now.

Win is...

... stressed out ...

The past 2 or 3 days have been rough. I've been scrambling to get things ready for my move tomorrow, losing sleep because of said scrambling, losing focus at work because of said sleep loss, and on top of that I've been feeling very lonely the past couple days. It is very tempting in times like these to slip back into my old patterns of thought and feeling -- worry, fear, and frustration. Why can't people keep their commitments to me? Am I facing these difficulties because You are displeased with my decision to move?

Well, when I think about it, I think You are pleased with my decision to move, because I know I've got very good and unselfish reasons for doing so. I've also received affirmation and encouragement in the decision from several wiser people whom I greatly respect and admire. And one of the reasons I've been losing sleep is because I've been staying up late talking with my new roommate (new landlord, more accurately... But he is my best friend, so that's OK...) -- encouragement enough that I can really help him grow closer to You. So given that the decision still seems sound, please help me to see these pieces not falling into place not as a reason to doubt, but as an opportunity to watch You put the puzzle together Yourself. After all, You already know what the finished picture is supposed to look like.

Win Is...

... bored ...

Like, pretty dang stankin' mind-numbingly bor-red.

I can't really go out for a walk right now, seeing as I got to work late this morning owing to an errant load of laundry, which, without its completion I would have been physically unable go to work (I'm not telling you why -- figure that out yourself). Thus I remain here, bored. I had resorted to looking for updates on other people's blogs, including Marianne's (which may or may not be entirely prudent of me at this point), through which I could have perhaps vicariously adventured. Having exhausted those, I'm now out of options.

Of course, this brought on another thought: if indeed, as "experts" have postulated, 5% of life is made up of incredibly joyous events and 5% of life is made up of incredibly sad events, leaving the other 90% simply made up of the mundane, how I handle the mundane really defines most of who I am. Hence I must learn to please You and praise You in the midst of the mundane, or else I'll be missing out on most of life's opportunities to do so. Things worked out a bit better this morning -- since I couldn't go anywhere while the laundry was still drying, my options were to either panic or use the time constructively. Considering that my panic alone would not have made my clothes dry any faster, I opted to spend that time with You instead -- which may have been Your intention all along in waylaying my washing. So the question assaulting me on multiple fronts today is: how do I praise Your glorious grace in The Boring?

You've said that You measure time based on opportunities (as opposed human temporal-based measures), so what opportunities are still present in The Boring? There's certainly still the opportunity to please You by working to the best of my ability (which is difficult given that my level of boredom is inversely proportional to my level of focus), and there are still opportunities to be humble, gentle, patient, and loving towards others. Perhaps then pleasing You in The Boring is not so different than finding my specific life calling -- just keep doing the things I already know You've called me to, and trust that You'll reveal the rest in time.

Yeesh, that's easier said than done...

Win's A Nerd...

OK, this has nothing to do with my current spiritual reboot, but I recent read about a new movie that I feel the need to share about. It's called Apaloosa, and it's a western directed by Ed Harris, starring Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, and Jeremy Irons. I might be one of only 4 people of my generation who likes westerns, but you'll have to blame that on my dad for raising me on John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies... Anyways, new stills have been posted online here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800308/. I really hope that it will be good.

Anyways, carry on...

Win's Got Some Ground To Cover...

Now that I've settled back into my daily routine I'm finding it more of a struggle to not fall back into my old patterns of thought and action (and reaction). As I was leaving my parents' house last night, I thought of several things I could have done differently to serve them better and several things I could have done differently to honor them better, and I was discouraged because I knew I had failed and was worried that I was falling back a few steps already. If You call me to humility, gentleness, patience, and love and I am not humble, gentle, patient, and loving, will You punish me? Even if You don't punish me, doesn't it mean that You are calling me to certain things that I must do to please You? So what's the difference between doing things to please You and a works-based salvation?

Thankfully, You answered me fairly quickly...

Fact: You call me to humility, gentleness, patience, and love. Fact: I will fail at doing all of these. Thus I miss Your mark and I'm doomed to live an unfulfilled life, right? Um... no. Living to please You means that I certainly make an effort -- my best effort, actually -- at being who You've called me to be (i.e. humble, gentle, patient, loving, etc...), but I also rely on Your grace when I fail. It is Your grace that affords me the opportunity to serve others in humilty, gentleness, patience, and love, and by Your grace I know You will give me other opportunities to serve my parents in all of those ways. I realized last night that regret might be the main symptom of the works-based outlook on salvation. When I regret not having done something rightly, my discouragement turns into anger at You for imposing these rules on me yet making me flawed such that I can't ever follow them as well as You require. A grace-based outlook on salvation understands Your laws and my flaws, but also understands that You created the Law to remind me of how much I need Your grace.

You have said that You came so that the Law and the Blood can be made one, not to destroy the one with the other. Your grace gives me the motivation to follow the Law because it pleases You when I do so, and Your grace gives me a chance to try again after I've failed. Still, why the cycle of Law, failure, grace, Law, failure, grace? Perhaps when You say that You created me for the praise of Your glorious grace, You intended for me to experience that grace over and over again so that I never forget what it is that I'm praising. Just perhaps...

Win Wants to Say...

Thank You.

I don't say that near enough -- I'm so focused on the stuff that's going wrong that I don't notice the ways that You really take care of me. I was so focused on doing what we were "supposed" to do in our relationship that I never thanked Marianne for her help in those things, I never thanked her for her support along the way. By prayer and supplication with thanksgiving -- I'm doing better on the prayer and supplication part, but I've neglected the thanksgiving part when I make my requests known to You. I expect the peace without thanking You for the peace. I certainly try to comprehend the peace, even though You tell me that it surpasses my comprehension, yet I still don't think to thank You for it. Yes, thank You for all You've done in me just in the last 9 days -- please let me never forget it, please let me never let the fire burn down again -- and thanks in advance for Your goodness in that regard. Thanks for the ways You blessed me through Marianne. If You see fit to give me another chance, please help me never to lose sight of how much of a blessing she is.


I Love You.

True, I told Marianne that plenty of times, but I still wanted to say it more. More than expressing the feeling, I want it to mean that I'll make the decisions that have her best interests in mind -- that's what love really is. The feelings can come and go, but the commitment to choose her best over mine -- well, that's a decision I'll have to make every moment of every day. If You see fit to give me another chance, please help me never to lose sight of that either. Besides that, I don't tell You near enough that I love You, maybe because I really don't know how to mean it. Sure it's easier to express the feeling for another person, but how do I express even the feeling to You, much less believe that I can possibly do anything to look out for Your best interests? You tell me that those who follow Your commandments are those who love You, and I try to follow those commandments. Yet I often do so begrudgingly, expecting something in return, whining that You made me do it at all. Perhaps then loving You isn't so much about what I do; it's more about how I do it, why I do it. I do it because You created me for Your praise, for Your glory, for Your pleasure -- perhaps loving You is coming to the realization that those are reasons enough.

I was originally going to title this post "Things I Wish I Had Said," but that implies regret about something I can't change. You still give me a chance every day to be thankful, a chance to be loving -- I still have a chance to do things the right way. So thank You. I love You.