Still Trying

Instead of asking why You are making me go through painful experiences, I need to start asking what You're trying to teach me through those experiences. The same probably applies to situations where I'm just generally confused by what You're doing, by the apparent lack of direction in my life. I still want to ask why I have to go through those frustratingly confusing times, but I know that You don't owe me any answers.

So... what are You trying to teach me right now...?

Maybe I'm just not asking the right questions. You tell me that I do not have because I do not ask -- I assume that You already know what I want, what I need, so I don't need to ask for those things. Yet I suppose there's no point in getting frustrated when things don't work like I want them to when I haven't even asked You to work those things out. Now I realize that asking You doesn't necessarily mean that those things will work out the way I want, but maybe the point of doing so isn't really to ask for whatever that thing is (because I'm probably correct in assuming You already know -- You've already said that Your Spirit knows what I need before I ask for it). After all, You knew the blind man wanted to see (wasn't it pretty obvious?), but You still asked him what he wanted You to do. You also asked another blind man if he believed that You could heal him. Maybe the point in having me ask You for things You already know I need, things You already know to be the deepest desires of my heart, is really You asking me, "Do you believe that I can do this for You? Do you believe it enough to ask me to do it for you? Ask Me, so that I can show you how faithful I am."

Still, asking You doesn't necessarily mean that You will give what I ask for, so that can't be the only reason You want me to ask. Besides, You also said that a small seed of faith is all it takes to move the earth, so it's not even about whether or not I believe in Your goodness enough to ask. Maybe it's just that the simple act of asking puts me in a mindset that recognizes that You will answer in Your wisdom, and that there will be a reason for the way You answer. Perhaps the real reason for asking is to open my heart to what You're trying to teach me in that answer, because You're very likely trying to teach me something regardless of how You answer my requests. Maybe at the very least, when I ask, I am acknowledging Your sovereignty over my desires above all else, and that Your ultimate answer will come out of Your sovereign wisdom and grace.

I suppose I can't know until I ask.

...

Sigh.

Win is Confused

...which happens rather more often than I'd like...

In theory I know that faith involves a certain level of uncertainty. After all, if I am certain of the next steps and the results of those next steps, then I don't really need to have faith because I already know what is going to happen when I take those next steps. But the uncertainty also makes me lose hope. I know that You don't owe me any answers, but sometimes I'd really like to know why You make me do some things and where You're going with those things. It's hard to take the next step when I don't feel like You're ever going to be happy with any step I take, with any decision I make. Hence the uncertainty. If I can at least know that there's a point to all this, maybe it will be easier to endure. But I am uncertain of even that.

Quietness and trust are supposed to be my strength, but I am rather weak.

Win Doesn't Get It

I don't understand what You're doing or why You're doing it or where You're going with it, but I want to be able to follow You despite that.

Please believe me when I say that.

Win Can Be Rather Foolish

A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Proverbs 12:16 NIV

I would do better to remember that.

...particularly when I'm driving...

Win Didn't Have Anything Good to Say

This post has been long in the making. In the past week I’ve started writing several times, stopped writing several times, changed subjects several times, somehow found my way back to the original subject again, tried writing again, and just didn’t feel any coherent thoughts move from my mind to my heart to my keyboard. Maybe You were trying to tell me that my motives for writing that post were wrong. Or maybe You are simply telling me that You’re still formulating that thought inside my mind and waiting for it to reach my heart, and that I shouldn’t be so hasty to write something before You’re finished telling me what it is. Maybe.

Point is, I felt like I should have at least posted something in the last week…

Yet as I now consider that desire to post something, I remember one of the big things that You were teaching me last week: Ephesians 4:29 tells me that I should refrain from unhealthy chatter, instead only speaking when my words are useful to build up and benefit those who hear – and now that I think about it, that was one of the original purposes of having this blog to begin with. Perhaps You stopped me from writing anything earlier because You knew that I had only intended to post unhealthy rants, writings not intended for Your glory, but for my own, because I just wanted to be heard. Well, the truth is, unless I have something beneficial to say, everyone would do better if I was not heard – I tried that kind of writing the last time I started a blog and it became a forum for me to anonymously voice thoughts without accountability (of which not all were bad, but there were a few posts that were bad enough). In fact, that blog was what I was originally going to write about – about why we keep secrets and why we’re unwilling to trust others – and maybe that post is still pending, but I’ll wait for You to move me in that direction.

Several months ago I came to the realization that my words (or lack thereof) had the potential to greatly bless or greatly hurt those around me. I confess that, since then, I’ve used my words more to vent my selfish frustrations to and about You and others, that I’ve had more curses than praises on the tip of my tongue. Please forgive me for mishandling the gift You gave me in order to praise You and to serve the people You’ve gifted my life with. John Piper once wrote that we are justified through faith in You – that is, I am made new and made holy because of Your sacrifice – and You sanctify us to make us into what we already are – that the process of becoming more like You, becoming holy, is simply me being what You already made me. I think I can go as far as to say that You created me, and thus my words, expressly for the purpose of becoming more like You, my words more like Yours.

With that in mind, please let my words be refreshing to those who hear, healthy for those who read. Please make my words kind, compassionate, and forgiving. Please help me to choose words that are humble, that are gentle, that are patient, that are loving – words that praise Your glorious grace and build others up in that same grace.