Win is Still Tired

So... The move went fairly smoothly over the weekend. I think that single people need to move every couple years if for no other reason than to prompt them to get rid of accumulated stuff that they don't need. I used to think I didn't have too much stuff, then I started packing...

Anyways, yesterday morning feels like it was days ago, and as I've felt more tired it's been increasingly difficult to not grow angry and bitter at things that don't go my way. The disappointing performance review at work, slow progress in unpacking, bad traffic, an email that I think I shouldn't have sent -- it can all be very discouraging. You've said that quietness and trust will be my strength, that repentance and rest will be my salvation. Please forgive me for my oppressive anger and bitterness -- please help me to repent of these. Please help me to rest in Your provision, to believe that Your plans are still in place and they are still better than my dreams. Please quiet the thoughts that tell me everything I'm doing will turn out wrong. Please help me to trust You enough to be willing to trust others, to think the best of them and to not let my deceitful suspicions undermine that trust.

Please be my strength ans salvation -- I really need You right now.

Win is...

... stressed out ...

The past 2 or 3 days have been rough. I've been scrambling to get things ready for my move tomorrow, losing sleep because of said scrambling, losing focus at work because of said sleep loss, and on top of that I've been feeling very lonely the past couple days. It is very tempting in times like these to slip back into my old patterns of thought and feeling -- worry, fear, and frustration. Why can't people keep their commitments to me? Am I facing these difficulties because You are displeased with my decision to move?

Well, when I think about it, I think You are pleased with my decision to move, because I know I've got very good and unselfish reasons for doing so. I've also received affirmation and encouragement in the decision from several wiser people whom I greatly respect and admire. And one of the reasons I've been losing sleep is because I've been staying up late talking with my new roommate (new landlord, more accurately... But he is my best friend, so that's OK...) -- encouragement enough that I can really help him grow closer to You. So given that the decision still seems sound, please help me to see these pieces not falling into place not as a reason to doubt, but as an opportunity to watch You put the puzzle together Yourself. After all, You already know what the finished picture is supposed to look like.

Win Is...

... bored ...

Like, pretty dang stankin' mind-numbingly bor-red.

I can't really go out for a walk right now, seeing as I got to work late this morning owing to an errant load of laundry, which, without its completion I would have been physically unable go to work (I'm not telling you why -- figure that out yourself). Thus I remain here, bored. I had resorted to looking for updates on other people's blogs, including Marianne's (which may or may not be entirely prudent of me at this point), through which I could have perhaps vicariously adventured. Having exhausted those, I'm now out of options.

Of course, this brought on another thought: if indeed, as "experts" have postulated, 5% of life is made up of incredibly joyous events and 5% of life is made up of incredibly sad events, leaving the other 90% simply made up of the mundane, how I handle the mundane really defines most of who I am. Hence I must learn to please You and praise You in the midst of the mundane, or else I'll be missing out on most of life's opportunities to do so. Things worked out a bit better this morning -- since I couldn't go anywhere while the laundry was still drying, my options were to either panic or use the time constructively. Considering that my panic alone would not have made my clothes dry any faster, I opted to spend that time with You instead -- which may have been Your intention all along in waylaying my washing. So the question assaulting me on multiple fronts today is: how do I praise Your glorious grace in The Boring?

You've said that You measure time based on opportunities (as opposed human temporal-based measures), so what opportunities are still present in The Boring? There's certainly still the opportunity to please You by working to the best of my ability (which is difficult given that my level of boredom is inversely proportional to my level of focus), and there are still opportunities to be humble, gentle, patient, and loving towards others. Perhaps then pleasing You in The Boring is not so different than finding my specific life calling -- just keep doing the things I already know You've called me to, and trust that You'll reveal the rest in time.

Yeesh, that's easier said than done...

Win's A Nerd...

OK, this has nothing to do with my current spiritual reboot, but I recent read about a new movie that I feel the need to share about. It's called Apaloosa, and it's a western directed by Ed Harris, starring Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, and Jeremy Irons. I might be one of only 4 people of my generation who likes westerns, but you'll have to blame that on my dad for raising me on John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies... Anyways, new stills have been posted online here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800308/. I really hope that it will be good.

Anyways, carry on...

Win's Got Some Ground To Cover...

Now that I've settled back into my daily routine I'm finding it more of a struggle to not fall back into my old patterns of thought and action (and reaction). As I was leaving my parents' house last night, I thought of several things I could have done differently to serve them better and several things I could have done differently to honor them better, and I was discouraged because I knew I had failed and was worried that I was falling back a few steps already. If You call me to humility, gentleness, patience, and love and I am not humble, gentle, patient, and loving, will You punish me? Even if You don't punish me, doesn't it mean that You are calling me to certain things that I must do to please You? So what's the difference between doing things to please You and a works-based salvation?

Thankfully, You answered me fairly quickly...

Fact: You call me to humility, gentleness, patience, and love. Fact: I will fail at doing all of these. Thus I miss Your mark and I'm doomed to live an unfulfilled life, right? Um... no. Living to please You means that I certainly make an effort -- my best effort, actually -- at being who You've called me to be (i.e. humble, gentle, patient, loving, etc...), but I also rely on Your grace when I fail. It is Your grace that affords me the opportunity to serve others in humilty, gentleness, patience, and love, and by Your grace I know You will give me other opportunities to serve my parents in all of those ways. I realized last night that regret might be the main symptom of the works-based outlook on salvation. When I regret not having done something rightly, my discouragement turns into anger at You for imposing these rules on me yet making me flawed such that I can't ever follow them as well as You require. A grace-based outlook on salvation understands Your laws and my flaws, but also understands that You created the Law to remind me of how much I need Your grace.

You have said that You came so that the Law and the Blood can be made one, not to destroy the one with the other. Your grace gives me the motivation to follow the Law because it pleases You when I do so, and Your grace gives me a chance to try again after I've failed. Still, why the cycle of Law, failure, grace, Law, failure, grace? Perhaps when You say that You created me for the praise of Your glorious grace, You intended for me to experience that grace over and over again so that I never forget what it is that I'm praising. Just perhaps...

Win Wants to Say...

Thank You.

I don't say that near enough -- I'm so focused on the stuff that's going wrong that I don't notice the ways that You really take care of me. I was so focused on doing what we were "supposed" to do in our relationship that I never thanked Marianne for her help in those things, I never thanked her for her support along the way. By prayer and supplication with thanksgiving -- I'm doing better on the prayer and supplication part, but I've neglected the thanksgiving part when I make my requests known to You. I expect the peace without thanking You for the peace. I certainly try to comprehend the peace, even though You tell me that it surpasses my comprehension, yet I still don't think to thank You for it. Yes, thank You for all You've done in me just in the last 9 days -- please let me never forget it, please let me never let the fire burn down again -- and thanks in advance for Your goodness in that regard. Thanks for the ways You blessed me through Marianne. If You see fit to give me another chance, please help me never to lose sight of how much of a blessing she is.


I Love You.

True, I told Marianne that plenty of times, but I still wanted to say it more. More than expressing the feeling, I want it to mean that I'll make the decisions that have her best interests in mind -- that's what love really is. The feelings can come and go, but the commitment to choose her best over mine -- well, that's a decision I'll have to make every moment of every day. If You see fit to give me another chance, please help me never to lose sight of that either. Besides that, I don't tell You near enough that I love You, maybe because I really don't know how to mean it. Sure it's easier to express the feeling for another person, but how do I express even the feeling to You, much less believe that I can possibly do anything to look out for Your best interests? You tell me that those who follow Your commandments are those who love You, and I try to follow those commandments. Yet I often do so begrudgingly, expecting something in return, whining that You made me do it at all. Perhaps then loving You isn't so much about what I do; it's more about how I do it, why I do it. I do it because You created me for Your praise, for Your glory, for Your pleasure -- perhaps loving You is coming to the realization that those are reasons enough.

I was originally going to title this post "Things I Wish I Had Said," but that implies regret about something I can't change. You still give me a chance every day to be thankful, a chance to be loving -- I still have a chance to do things the right way. So thank You. I love You.

Win's Leaving Egypt Behind

Life was not better back in my Egypt -- certainly it was predictable and more comfortable because it was predictable. But it was predictably bad -- what's so good about wallowing in anger, mistrust, lust, selfishness and hopelessness? Certainly it's easier to be reactive instead of choosing to forgive, choosing to trust, choosing self discipline, choosing to give and choosing to have faith. Am I going to give up on the good You've promised just because I don't want to put in the effort?

So, no, life in Egypt was not better -- that's the lie I tell myself when I'm too lazy to move forward. No good ever came without effort, and I'm done treating my blessings as if they were burdens. Burn those bridges, sink those ships, because we're not going back to what I was before, to where I was before. I meant what I said last night about wanting that fire for You that would burn regardless of my circumstances. There may be comfort in what's known, but there is no life in what I knew, no life in looking backwards. We're forging ahead; please show me which way to walk.

Win's Hungry

Last night I tried to drown out my loneliness with a nice meal and an artsy movie, yet at the end of the night I still felt empty. While this may at first sound like a lament, this is actually a point of praise -- I felt empty because I had tried to fill myself up with distractions rather than with You. In the past, those distractions would have been enough to satiate me; I would have shrugged off the missed time with You, telling myself that there was just too much to do or that I was too tired to focus. Last night You reminded me of how much I need You, how much I hunger to hear Your voice; You reminded me of the void left in my heart when You're not there.

But You're always there, aren't You? I simply choose over and over again to try to fill that void with something else that ultimately won't fit, that would ultimately be too small to close that hole inside of me. True, I was able to fill that void close enough when Marianne was around such that the gaps left behind were small enough to ignore, but it's just You and me now. And the truth is that it will always be "You and me" for the rest of my life. Until I figure out how "You and me" works, I'll never figure out how "someone else and me" will work. So I'm glad that there's nothing that I can fill that void with any longer, because that forces me back to where I should have been all along -- holding onto Your hand like my life depends on it, because my life does depend on it.

I woke up this morning with that hunger to hear Your voice, desperate that I wouldn't have the time to spend in Your Word before I needed to leave for work, desperate knowing that I wouldn't have time during the day to do so either. In my haste, I locked my keys and my laptop inside the house, and thus I can't get back in until tomorrow night. Yeah, I was upset about it this morning because I wouldn't be able to move more stuff in or use my laptop tonight, but I realize that You were just telling me, "Hey, relax -- there's time to deal with the house later. Why don't you spend tonight with me instead." Goes to show that You have good in mind even in life's little annoyances, that You do give immeasurably more than I can imagine. Well then, tonight is all Yours, and I'm really looking forward to it. I know You are, too :)

Win Misses Marianne

There's a scene during the first season of Lost where Jack tells Kate of a time when he was scared that he would botch a major surgery. He said that to acknowledge the reality of his fear, he allowed it to completely take hold of him until he had counted to 10, then pushed past his fear in order to complete the important task ahead of him. Last night I was planning to go through a folder on my computer where I keep my favorite pictures of Marianne -- something I had put together a couple months ago under the auspices of having something to cheer me up when I was down (which was really just a way I objectified her instead of truly valuing her, but that's another topic for another time). In any case, the idea was that I would go through these pictures to allow the feeling of missing her to completely take hold of me for an moment, after which I could move on to the important task of finding my way back to You. Looking back, I'm thankful that I never had a chance to do that. Sure, last night I was mostly frustrated by the various mishaps during my attempt to set up DSL at my new place and the lack of a clear cell phone signal there (sorry for cursing and throwing things at the wall...), but I see that you were preventing me from feeding my hopelessness.

I don't need to tell myself that I miss Marianne -- that much is already evident -- and I don't need to go through photos of her to remind me of better times -- I have plenty of good memories already. Besides that, You haven't closed the door on our possible future together. Going through those photos would have only sidetracked me, letting me dwell on my sorrow at potentially losing someone dear to me. The fact is that I haven't lost her (notwithstanding that she was never mine to lose to begin with -- she was Yours then, she is Yours now, and she will be Yours forever), and this is not a sad time. The task at hand is for each of us to find our way back to You and better see the path You have planned for each of us. There is adventure in that and no time for pity and regret. Certainly I need to amend my wrongs, apologize and seek forgiveness where I've hurt her, but that's a step forward. Lamenting what was and could have been pays little acknowledgment to the blessing that this time ahead will be -- and it will be a time of blessing because we will have a closer relationship with You on the other side of this and (hopefully) onward.

Remember, I'm not doing this to try to earn Marianne back -- I'm doing this because You created each of us for the single-minded pursuit of You, Your love, and Your purposes. Those are the purposes we are trying to connect with again. If I'm truly to trust that Your plans are better than my dreams, I'll do best to leave my dreams in Your merciful and gracious hands, refusing to doubt that You'll make them happen as You see fit. Yes, my dream is to marry Marianne, to love her and partner with her in the life You've created for both of us, but Your plans are better than even that, and we will be blessed with the plan You have for us in that regard.

So until the time You close that door or push me through it again, and ever after, please help me to focus on the most important task ahead of me, the most important task that will ever be ahead of me: discovering and glorifying You. There will be immeasurable joy in that -- I know it.

Win's Got Legitimate Reasons For Doing This (i.e. He's Not Just Being Narcissistic...)

Older and wiser people have suggested on several occasions that we keep prayer journals that record what we pray for and how You answer those prayers. I'd considered doing it several times, but never got around to it, mostly because I got distracted by other things. One could certainly argue that I'm in the state I am in now because I've again let myself get distracted by other things.

Nevertheless, I believe this is a journey worth chronicling. I'm trusting that You'll give clarity for the decisions I have to make, and that You'll be faithful to me as I'm faithful to seek Your Kingdom first once again. So I'm keeping this online prayer journal so that I can look back on these posts and see each thought and each feeling I experience on my journey back to You. I hope it will serve as a reminder of Your faithfulness to me whenever I am tempted to doubt that You care. Hopefully one day it can help someone else trying to get back on track as well.

I'd like to think that one day I can show this to her so she can share in the journey with me, but I think I'm presuming too much. Please help me give that dream up to You every day; please help me to trust that Your plans are better than my dreams.

Win's Just Realized Something

Actually, I didn't just realize it -- I realized it last night. More accurately, I've just now found the time to write it down.

In any case...

Until I believe that You love me, I won't be able to believe that anyone else loves me. Until I accept and appreciate Your love for me, I won't be able to accept or appreciate anyone else's love for me. Until I understand that Your love is enough for me, nobody else's love will ever be enough for me.

Please forgive me for not accepting and appreciating Your unending love for me, and please forgive me for trying to squeeze that love out of her. Please forgive me for trying to replace You with her. Please forgive me for not believing that You love me, even when you did and still do, then being angry at You when my efforts failed to earn that love. I know now that I do not need to earn Your love, that my efforts will never be good enough to earn what You in Your grace and power have already freely given me -- help me to believe that. Please help me to understand that Your love will always be enough for me, and that any other person's love is an added gift from You, given through them. Please help me to accept and appreciate Your love, and please help me to accept and appreciate that added gift, too. Thank You for loving me, even when I am at my most unlovable. Thank You for believing in me even when I didn't. Thank You for the way You loved me through her, even when I least deserved it.

If You see fit to give me another chance with her, please help me to love her and value her the same way You do.

Win's Starting to Lose It...

I don't want to drown out the pain with distractions. I need to deal with the pain, as well as the things that led up to it. Please help me deal with the pain instead of dwelling on it.

Win Can't Stop Thinking About it

Please tell me that it's not my fault, and that You're not punishing me for something I did. If You are punishing me, I'm sorry for whatever I did. Please forgive me and please tell me how I can make it right again. Please.

Win's Fresh Start

Well, I said I wanted a fresh start at things, and I'm certainly getting it. New car, new address -- surely I thought that would be enough to start with, even without a new job. Looks like You have other plans in mind. While I can't say this is exactly what I envisioned when I asked, I'll trust that you have something good planned.

Thirty-six hours have yet to pass, and I miss her already. I still don't know how temporary or permanent our status is, but I hope to be able to trust You with that as well. Until You make that path clear to us, there's still plenty of starting over left to do for both of us. Please guide me through this -- take my hopes, my dreams, my plans, my fears -- help me to let go of them and trust that Your plans for them are better than mine could ever be.