Win Misses Marianne

There's a scene during the first season of Lost where Jack tells Kate of a time when he was scared that he would botch a major surgery. He said that to acknowledge the reality of his fear, he allowed it to completely take hold of him until he had counted to 10, then pushed past his fear in order to complete the important task ahead of him. Last night I was planning to go through a folder on my computer where I keep my favorite pictures of Marianne -- something I had put together a couple months ago under the auspices of having something to cheer me up when I was down (which was really just a way I objectified her instead of truly valuing her, but that's another topic for another time). In any case, the idea was that I would go through these pictures to allow the feeling of missing her to completely take hold of me for an moment, after which I could move on to the important task of finding my way back to You. Looking back, I'm thankful that I never had a chance to do that. Sure, last night I was mostly frustrated by the various mishaps during my attempt to set up DSL at my new place and the lack of a clear cell phone signal there (sorry for cursing and throwing things at the wall...), but I see that you were preventing me from feeding my hopelessness.

I don't need to tell myself that I miss Marianne -- that much is already evident -- and I don't need to go through photos of her to remind me of better times -- I have plenty of good memories already. Besides that, You haven't closed the door on our possible future together. Going through those photos would have only sidetracked me, letting me dwell on my sorrow at potentially losing someone dear to me. The fact is that I haven't lost her (notwithstanding that she was never mine to lose to begin with -- she was Yours then, she is Yours now, and she will be Yours forever), and this is not a sad time. The task at hand is for each of us to find our way back to You and better see the path You have planned for each of us. There is adventure in that and no time for pity and regret. Certainly I need to amend my wrongs, apologize and seek forgiveness where I've hurt her, but that's a step forward. Lamenting what was and could have been pays little acknowledgment to the blessing that this time ahead will be -- and it will be a time of blessing because we will have a closer relationship with You on the other side of this and (hopefully) onward.

Remember, I'm not doing this to try to earn Marianne back -- I'm doing this because You created each of us for the single-minded pursuit of You, Your love, and Your purposes. Those are the purposes we are trying to connect with again. If I'm truly to trust that Your plans are better than my dreams, I'll do best to leave my dreams in Your merciful and gracious hands, refusing to doubt that You'll make them happen as You see fit. Yes, my dream is to marry Marianne, to love her and partner with her in the life You've created for both of us, but Your plans are better than even that, and we will be blessed with the plan You have for us in that regard.

So until the time You close that door or push me through it again, and ever after, please help me to focus on the most important task ahead of me, the most important task that will ever be ahead of me: discovering and glorifying You. There will be immeasurable joy in that -- I know it.