Win's Hungry

Last night I tried to drown out my loneliness with a nice meal and an artsy movie, yet at the end of the night I still felt empty. While this may at first sound like a lament, this is actually a point of praise -- I felt empty because I had tried to fill myself up with distractions rather than with You. In the past, those distractions would have been enough to satiate me; I would have shrugged off the missed time with You, telling myself that there was just too much to do or that I was too tired to focus. Last night You reminded me of how much I need You, how much I hunger to hear Your voice; You reminded me of the void left in my heart when You're not there.

But You're always there, aren't You? I simply choose over and over again to try to fill that void with something else that ultimately won't fit, that would ultimately be too small to close that hole inside of me. True, I was able to fill that void close enough when Marianne was around such that the gaps left behind were small enough to ignore, but it's just You and me now. And the truth is that it will always be "You and me" for the rest of my life. Until I figure out how "You and me" works, I'll never figure out how "someone else and me" will work. So I'm glad that there's nothing that I can fill that void with any longer, because that forces me back to where I should have been all along -- holding onto Your hand like my life depends on it, because my life does depend on it.

I woke up this morning with that hunger to hear Your voice, desperate that I wouldn't have the time to spend in Your Word before I needed to leave for work, desperate knowing that I wouldn't have time during the day to do so either. In my haste, I locked my keys and my laptop inside the house, and thus I can't get back in until tomorrow night. Yeah, I was upset about it this morning because I wouldn't be able to move more stuff in or use my laptop tonight, but I realize that You were just telling me, "Hey, relax -- there's time to deal with the house later. Why don't you spend tonight with me instead." Goes to show that You have good in mind even in life's little annoyances, that You do give immeasurably more than I can imagine. Well then, tonight is all Yours, and I'm really looking forward to it. I know You are, too :)